I am obsessed.......

I’m obsessed……


I am obsessed with having so many questions about why life is the way it is. I want to understand why obstacles appear along our path other than the fact that people say that their purpose are to make us stronger. I want to understand why we are given the gift of life and in a blink of an eye that gift could be taken away from us.

I want to understand why homosexuality is perceived as immoral in the bible when the bible claims that we are all god’s children and that we all have the right to pursue our own happiness. Why is it that society never accepts someone or something that is different? How do you know which religion is the right one? All religions claim to be the right one in order to reach salvation.

I want to understand why relationships come to an end other than the fact that people lose interest in one another. Is it even possible to get married and after thirty years of marriage still have that same rush of emotions as the first time you fell in love with your partner?

How are we supposed to live in a compassionate and moral existence when we are exposed to blood and catastrophically submerged by situations in which we are forced to protect our well being? How will we ever universally reach peace when we all find something wrong with one another’s culture, race, and even one’s self.

I’m obsessed with just knowing whether or not the careers we are pursuing right now are the ones that we will end up having in life. Do we have destinies that have been made for us since the first day we took our first breaths of life?

I am obsessed with knowing the big secret life holds, that will never be uncovered. Truth is that no matter how obsessed I am about knowing something, my answer may never come or appear as fast as I would like for it to appear.

For the time being I guess all I can do is wonder because the answer to some of these questions are unexplainable or better yet the reasons are all contradicting laws and ideas established by society. I guess contradictions are the ones sustaining the existence of this society. Truth is that “there are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions in life. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light” ( Barry Lopez).

In My Eyes,,,,,,,,,,,,,

In my eyes…….

At first as I read the statement about women I didn’t really know what to expect. Throughout the story I found myself identifying with Brent Staples because everyday we are surrounded by many opinions, ideas, stereotypes, and people that are unjust. We judge everyone and everything without even thinking about whether we can put ourselves in that person‘s shoes. In the story “ Just Walk On By: Black Men and Public Men Space”, by Brent Staples he undergoes many situations in which he is judged upon the color of his skin. I think that the general problem within our society is that we tend to agree and think similar to many other people, just because we don’t want to do any different. The narrator mentions how one day he finds himself walking in front of a white, well dressed lady and he describes how slowly she begins to walk to in a much faster pace after she takes a glance take to who is walking behind her. I feel like I would have done the same, but it would not have been because of his skin color, appearance, but because of the fact that men are stereotyped to be the most common to rape and hurt women. So society implants fear amongst one another.

The reason why this happens is because in some cases the media shows that men do hurt women just like in the situation as the one Brent was in. Overall this happens because since we look out for our well being we tend to take no chances. We tend to not give the person the opportunity to shine their true colors instead, we immediately stereotype and assume. We mirror each other every single day of our lives. The one thing I admired about the author was the fact that he was strong and that regardless of what he went through he turned the anger he once carried with him into something positive and that would be that he made all the anger disappear. I honestly think that the author did this because he knew that his anger would get him nowhere. He wouldn’t be able to make a change all he would end up doing is hurting himself emotionally. He used the power of words which makes a bigger impact in getting people to listen.

I think that another one of the major issues we have as a society as well is the fact that we don’t take the time to listen. When we don’t listen we tend to be ignorant towards getting to know the points of view of other people. Sometimes we mock other people without even considering that person’s feelings or circumstances. I know that the woman in Brent’s story does stereotype, but truth is that society only exposes us to stereotypes, judgments, and all these negative things about one another. They never instill new ideas within us that will actually make a difference for once. Instead they themselves separate us from one another making us point out our skin color and other features we inherit that make us beautiful. This piece of literature really makes me feel and realize we need to realize that we are all equal and that we need to take things that are negative and make the best out of them just like the author of “ Just Walk on By: Black Men and Public Space. If we do this then maybe things could change for the better..

My Childhood...........

The truth behind my child …….

Everyday that my mom would pick me up from the day care center I would feel this rush of emotions that would make my legs feel weak as I ran into my her arms. I could remember that I wanted to tell my mom something but I wasn’t really sure of what was happening. I didn’t know if whether or not what I was going through was normal or even real. Everyday my mom would ask me how was school and I always talked about everything from the pictures I made to the songs I learned. I wanted to tell my mom something else that I felt but I just didn’t mean to pay too much attention to the matter.

As a child I was confused about whether or not it was okay to know the answer a question you knew the answer to. My teacher always instilled this fear in me that after a while started to overpower my normal activity as a child mentally. I never understood why this teacher didn’t like the fact that I knew the answer to one of her questions. She would constantly put me down. She couldn’t stand the fact that sometimes instead of playing ball out in the playground I enjoyed looking at a book and getting lost in the pictures. I would make up my own stories in which I would mold everything to my liking and my perfect little world.

Years have passed by and that thing that I couldn’t seem to say back then to my mom was that my teacher used to abuse me. Every time I answered a question right she hated it and she would hit me whenever she got the chance and whenever no one was watching her. She implanted this fear within me since she always used to bring me down and also because she used to hit me. She would lock me in a room and hit me and every time I would come out of that room I would have to come out with a smile in my face because that’s all I had that she couldn‘t take away from me. And to be quiet honest that’s exactly how I face life every single day of my life, with a smile upon my face regardless of what times are like for me. Every time this memory comes back to me I get chills because it’s as if the scars I have open up once again. I remember thinking she is hurting me and I remember saying to myself she can hurt me physically, but not hurt the person that I am and will be. It killed her to see me happily enjoying myself even after she would beat me.

There are times when you have the misfortune to come face to face with people that put you down. I face every single day of my life with a smile and my head held up high and I realize that I do it the same way I used to come out of that room where I used to be beat .Through out the years I realized that no one can tell you what you can or can not do, the only person that can tell you that is “ yourself ”. As for that teacher I hold no grudge against her because I am alive and I have turned into a strong, beautiful women that continues to grow and learn every single day of her life regardless of her past.

Language is a part of who I am ………..

Language is one of the most beautiful things we possess in life. As individuals we have our own ways of expressing one another even if we use the same language as other people. We tend to be more accustomed to the language our parents expose us to at birth. Some get exposed to two languages and that’s when the person creates those two languages a part of their identity.

As for me I use Spanish and English, but it’s incredible how out of these two languages I can make two or more languages that I feel this sense of comfort as the words roll out of my tongue . At home I use Spanish , but the Spanish I use is the the educated Spanish; I like to call it the “Comfi Spanish” in which I find that I loose myself in the Salvadorean/Guatemalan accent. When I use this kind of Spanish at home I feel as if I hold this strong connection with my family and I also feel as if it doesn’t intimidate my parents when I use this kind of Spanish with them.

For the most part with friends I always use the English language and for some reason I feel uncomfortable when speaking Spanish with my friends at school. For some reason I always find myself adapting to a different tones when it comes to speaking to different people. To adults I find myself speaking in a more polite way than when I talk to my parents. My parents like my sister and I to speak to them as “ Tu ” and not “ Usted ”. I like speaking to my parents as “ Tu ” just because I feel like I can talk to my parents in a more friendly way instead of feeling this awkward boundary between them as we have serious conversations about certain things I am encountering at the time. With language you can communicate with people all over the world. You can learn so much about different beliefs, traditions, and races.“ Language is the dress of thought ”(Samuel Johnson) and without language we would not be able to express ourselves about our likes and dislikes but most importantly the likes and dislikes about the world.

A New Understanding

A new understanding……….

Frederick Douglas was a man full of curiosity and intelligence. He taught himself how to read and write and as soon as he had mastered both concepts he noticed that the world was unraveling before his very eyes. Evidently what Frederick Douglas realized about the world happens to everyone, with the exception that Frederick Douglas observed the world and its components to learn concepts from his surroundings.

As for me lately I have began to notice a certain pattern within humans just like Frederick Douglas because I actually stopped to acknowledge the subject I came to analyze the subject into more depth. This subject relationships. Why is that ninety percent of the time men and women fall apart when their partner abandons the relationship? Why is it that we choose to continue in the relationship even when one of the partners constantly brings down the other person? Many people do this because they find it perfectly normal. In reality was is normal? Does normal even exist ? Does right and wrong exist as well? What I have came to understand is that when one of the partners in a relationship is being emotionally, physically, and mentally abused is not really getting hurt from their partner but themselves. What people don’t realize is that we all have the power to leave, take, accept, and consider something or someone. We for some odd reason are unable to take the time to sit down with ourselves during this time period because we are afraid of being alone.

The truth is that when we are alone we tend to understand things much better. The one thing that everybody wants in life is happiness. Many people can agree to this, but if we know what we want, why is it that we choose to ignore it ? I have observed many people, including myself, where we are unhappy with this certain someone we need to understand that this is not the place for us . We need to value ourselves as the individuals we are, and most importantly, we need to leave our unhappiness behind because if we choose to stick around, our unhappiness then we will never expand the three stages of mind experience, interpretation, an analysis of aspects of our lives.

Nevertheless I have came to the conclusion that in the same way that Fredrick Douglas felt passionately about slavery and wanted to make a change; we need to become passionate about ourselves. If we are unhappy in a relationship, we must be passionate towards the fact that we love and respect ourselves to allow someone else to come and put out that flame that lives within us.

I Thought I Knew........

Today, I feel wrapped around a layer of confusion. This morning I literally pinched myself in order to convince myself that I was really awake to another day. Struggling with many emotions this morning I make myself get up from bed. Unsure of my feelings I keep pondering about the argument I had last night. I guess I’m still in shock of the piercing words that one of my most trustworthy friends said to me. As I am writing this right now, I hear the echo of her words replaying over and over again in my head. This puts me in a stage of confusion, one in which I start to question myself as an individual. To a degree I feel weak because she affected my emotions.

It is funny how one person’s opinion can really knock you right off your own two feet. It is funny how you think you know someone, but you don’t. It is funny how it makes you question, not only yourself but also your loved ones. Overall I guess the lesson that should be learned from this experience should be to trust only myself to succeed in everything the future will bring. I guess people like my “friend” are placed into my path to test my will.

Staying collected is the difficult part, especially when all the pieces of me are scattered all over the place . In a slow pace I encouraged myself to continue moving forward. I know that it will take searching and thinking today in order to recollect myself once again. I will absorb her words as a cool breeze , rather than a fierce wind.

Concentrating on the reflection of my face upon the computer screen I am chilled because I am chilled because I am able to ignore her judgment. However I am doubtful because of the venom her words carried, but I know that once that the venom is sucked out of my system I will come out on top and most importantly I will not allow anyone to define “ Who I am”.

This Time Around The holidays..........

The holidays play a huge role within my life. Christmas and the other holidays that follow after that carry this feeling of coziness because you spend them with your family. This year it was quite different for me. It was as if the ghost from Christmas past came to pay me a visit this year. A scar that I convinced myself in having healed had managed to reopen once again.

One of my good friends, Jesse came around the holidays this year. It had been five years since I last spoke to him. Every now and then I lose myself in my own thoughts wondering why I decided not to make myself part of his life for those five years. Then it came to me and I remembered. In a way I hold a grudge against him for doing drugs, going to jail, for not caring about his own well being, and last but not least also for being oblivious to the fact that I was there to help him, if he ever wanted to make that transition from where he found himself at the time.

This year it was much different than the last and after I heard from him after those five years, he convinces me that he is going to school and that he doesn’t do drugs. Then to my dismay, I am forced to come face to face to two disappointments. The first disappointment was on December 21 because he disappeared once again. . Soon enough I find out, that the reason why he disappeared was because he was in jail. I feel angry with him still because for once in 10 years I wanted him to just celebrate the holidays with his loved ones. The second disappointment was when his use of drugs when he was released from prison.

It breaks my heart to watch this smart, beautiful person devalue himself. This year I realized that I am unable to mold people’s personalities or way thinking to my liking. I grew up with Jesse and I care for him so much. For once I would like witness a change in him, but for the time being I only hope he will change for the future.